Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
