Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
