Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You need Xanax blowdarts
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
