sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
