Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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