We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
