i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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