Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
