How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
