I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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