i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Lo siento on account of my penis...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
