got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
