i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
