You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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