Capitaan dildo arrescate!
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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