By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
