Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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