I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I did not marry a roomba.
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