She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
