I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
