U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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