The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
