i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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