I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
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