you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
