Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
