She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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