what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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