So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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