I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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