Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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