Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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