Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
