I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
