I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
