There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
