How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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