saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
