shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
