dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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