Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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