My liver just broke up with me...
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The air was thick with penises
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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