my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
