I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
