when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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