I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
