oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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