she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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