Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
