Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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