your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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