can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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