A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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